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May. 1st, 2003 09:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
violachicMy past is biting me in the ass.
Have you ever had that experience?
It is funny, memories have been flooding back like crazy lately. I have wondered if it has anything to do with being on medication or if it would have happened anyway, or what. The thing is, I feel a lot crisper than I used to. That is the only word for it. For so long, I felt kind of out of it. I mean, not spacy or detached exactly- I would be happy in a moment, or even generally content sometimes, and could get mad or indignant or something. My point is that I had no pervading ominous feeling, but neither was I experiencing a total lack of emotion. But now, I am feeling a lot better, not feeling as overwhelmed as I had for months, and feeling a sense of "hey, its ok to get out of bed!". The problem is, memories are flooding back to me, and I am feeling them with an intense acuteness that I haven't felt for years.
There are three kinds of memories.
1)The good- such as my childhood, winning swim meet after swim meet as a kid, sitting in Corson Auditorium at Interlochen listening to yet another concert, playing in All-State Honors Orchestra, receiving the Orchestra Award at the end of high school, etc....
2)The bittersweet- this mostly consists of my tragically aborted college career; bitter being the depression I experienced, the pain that was caused by my grandfather's death, the overwhelming feeling of not belonging, and the sweet being the time I spent at Larsen Coffeehouse, being friends and roomates with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
divalibby76, the ten days I spent each fall on orchestra tour across the country, playing in quartet, which is where I felt my most complete sense of belonging there. I heard music on the radio today that reminded me of my time with my quartet and I cried for it all.
3)The bad- at this time, this category mostly revolves around the pain over my relationship with Paul, especially the way it ended. The absolute stupidest thing about this all is that it happened two years ago! This pain I am feeling possibly even more potently than when it happened, because not only do I feel the initial pain, but I am feeling the pain of how it is affecting other areas of my life. It is causing me to actually be angry- and those of you who know me well know that I am so very rarely truly angry- which just makes it all feel even stupider. This, along with other times when I have felt alone and abandon and scared and betrayed is taking the biggest toll on me right now. For every person who claimed they loved me and then acted otherwise, I am feeling it tenfold. I know that sounds really teen-angsty, but that is the current truth. I consider myself to be a very open and trusting person, but I didn't realize how affected I was until I was challenged to really let go and trust again. And I want nothing more than to be able to trust, especially the person that I am trusting.
The interesting thing is, for all the fresh pain that I am feeling, I actually feel like this is a catalyst. Recognizing a problem is the first step to overcoming it, right? That's what I hear they say in AA, anyway. I have spent quite a bit of the last twenty four hours agonizing over this, and despite all the self-pity I wanted to allow myself, I actually feel far more clear-headed than I have in eons. I feel like I'm looking at myself from an entirely different angle. Yes, the pain continues, but instead of the deep-wound-infected pain, it is more the pain that comes from healing.
A professor I had during my pathetic excuse for a college career once gave me an analogy about depression. It felt true the moment she said it, and it has felt true throughout my experience. But I also think that the analogy applies to the healing process, and the way waves of pain and unhappiness can come over you. She made the analogy to undertow in the ocean. It comes when you aren't expecting it, it is far more powerful than anyone who hasn't experienced it ever gives it credit for, and it can drag you out and drown you so easily. The more you fight undertow the less likely you are to escape it. If you just ride it out and swim to shore when it is over, you are far more likely to succeed in escaping alive.
So I am giving myself permission to ride this out. I'm a good swimmer. I have the blue ribbons to prove it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
In other news, one of my viola students was awarded a scholarship to Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp. I am so proud of her, and it reflects well on me as a teacher. One of those "hey, I really do know what I'm doing!" moments.
Amanda broke her bow during lessons today. It was a super old bow that had been given to her by a family friend, and was on its way out anyway. The funny thing was, instead of making things stressful or bad, I just felt incredibly bemused. I thought I had seen it all when Johanna's fingerboard fell off. But when Amanda's bow crumbled in her hand for no reason in the middle of playing, I knew I had officially seen it all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I need a quartet. I need a quartet like my life depends on it. Anybody need a violist?
Have you ever had that experience?
It is funny, memories have been flooding back like crazy lately. I have wondered if it has anything to do with being on medication or if it would have happened anyway, or what. The thing is, I feel a lot crisper than I used to. That is the only word for it. For so long, I felt kind of out of it. I mean, not spacy or detached exactly- I would be happy in a moment, or even generally content sometimes, and could get mad or indignant or something. My point is that I had no pervading ominous feeling, but neither was I experiencing a total lack of emotion. But now, I am feeling a lot better, not feeling as overwhelmed as I had for months, and feeling a sense of "hey, its ok to get out of bed!". The problem is, memories are flooding back to me, and I am feeling them with an intense acuteness that I haven't felt for years.
There are three kinds of memories.
1)The good- such as my childhood, winning swim meet after swim meet as a kid, sitting in Corson Auditorium at Interlochen listening to yet another concert, playing in All-State Honors Orchestra, receiving the Orchestra Award at the end of high school, etc....
2)The bittersweet- this mostly consists of my tragically aborted college career; bitter being the depression I experienced, the pain that was caused by my grandfather's death, the overwhelming feeling of not belonging, and the sweet being the time I spent at Larsen Coffeehouse, being friends and roomates with
divalibby76, the ten days I spent each fall on orchestra tour across the country, playing in quartet, which is where I felt my most complete sense of belonging there. I heard music on the radio today that reminded me of my time with my quartet and I cried for it all.3)The bad- at this time, this category mostly revolves around the pain over my relationship with Paul, especially the way it ended. The absolute stupidest thing about this all is that it happened two years ago! This pain I am feeling possibly even more potently than when it happened, because not only do I feel the initial pain, but I am feeling the pain of how it is affecting other areas of my life. It is causing me to actually be angry- and those of you who know me well know that I am so very rarely truly angry- which just makes it all feel even stupider. This, along with other times when I have felt alone and abandon and scared and betrayed is taking the biggest toll on me right now. For every person who claimed they loved me and then acted otherwise, I am feeling it tenfold. I know that sounds really teen-angsty, but that is the current truth. I consider myself to be a very open and trusting person, but I didn't realize how affected I was until I was challenged to really let go and trust again. And I want nothing more than to be able to trust, especially the person that I am trusting.
The interesting thing is, for all the fresh pain that I am feeling, I actually feel like this is a catalyst. Recognizing a problem is the first step to overcoming it, right? That's what I hear they say in AA, anyway. I have spent quite a bit of the last twenty four hours agonizing over this, and despite all the self-pity I wanted to allow myself, I actually feel far more clear-headed than I have in eons. I feel like I'm looking at myself from an entirely different angle. Yes, the pain continues, but instead of the deep-wound-infected pain, it is more the pain that comes from healing.
A professor I had during my pathetic excuse for a college career once gave me an analogy about depression. It felt true the moment she said it, and it has felt true throughout my experience. But I also think that the analogy applies to the healing process, and the way waves of pain and unhappiness can come over you. She made the analogy to undertow in the ocean. It comes when you aren't expecting it, it is far more powerful than anyone who hasn't experienced it ever gives it credit for, and it can drag you out and drown you so easily. The more you fight undertow the less likely you are to escape it. If you just ride it out and swim to shore when it is over, you are far more likely to succeed in escaping alive.
So I am giving myself permission to ride this out. I'm a good swimmer. I have the blue ribbons to prove it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
In other news, one of my viola students was awarded a scholarship to Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp. I am so proud of her, and it reflects well on me as a teacher. One of those "hey, I really do know what I'm doing!" moments.
Amanda broke her bow during lessons today. It was a super old bow that had been given to her by a family friend, and was on its way out anyway. The funny thing was, instead of making things stressful or bad, I just felt incredibly bemused. I thought I had seen it all when Johanna's fingerboard fell off. But when Amanda's bow crumbled in her hand for no reason in the middle of playing, I knew I had officially seen it all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I need a quartet. I need a quartet like my life depends on it. Anybody need a violist?
