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Mar. 14th, 2003 06:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
violachicWell, I've been debating for the last couple of days whether or not to make a post about this. Its not something I want to hide from anyone, but neither do I want anyone thinking I'm using it to get attention, or thinking I'm somehow different from other people. Its just that, it is part of my life, and its now in the forefront, probably where it has belonged the whole time. I've dealt with it, and not dealt with it in the past, I've tried to gloss over it, and sometimes even denied it to myself and others. Its a big deal, but really its not a big deal. Its just life.
So my big decision this week was to go back on medication for depression. Its something I've dealt with on and off for the last ten years, and something that's probably affected me for the last fifteen years. I had a particularly bad winter this year, worse than I've had probably since my first year of college. I'm not generally pessimistic, and I've never been even remotely suicidal- thank God!- but I've spent the last three or four months utterly exhausted and entirely unmotivated to get out of bed. The doctor I saw this week said that she diagnoses me with Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, and PMDD.
So why am I making a post about this? I guess because its going to come up in conversation eventually with most of my friends. But I'm also kind of asking for help, and for those of you who know me well know that I don't easily ask for help. This does not mean I expect to be treated as if I'm made of glass. In fact, that would really piss me off. But I have made kind of a list of what would truly be beneficial to me in dealing with this:
1)Please don't constantly ask me if I'm "OK". I'm probably not truly OK, but neither am I on the edge of anything, and I'm surviving more than decently. A lot of people I know aren't truly "OK", and I know it doesn't make me special. In fact, constantly asking if I'm OK is probably the best way for me to break my non-violent tendencies, and clock someone.
2)Please don't give me your opinion on medication, whether it is the type of medication, or whether or not a person should take meds at all for this. I'm not naive, and I've certainly done my homework the last ten years. It was a difficult decision to start it up again, and I already feel a little bit like a heel. It isn't going to help matters if I feel as if I'm being looked down on for taking medication.
3)I am way open to discussion and dialogue on this matter, as I know quite a few people I know are in similar situations. In fact, an informal support group of some kind would probably benefit all of us. Just please don't come to me and try to tell me how your life is worse than mine, or harder than mine, or that you're more depressed or more messed up than I am. These issues are highly personal, and each persons feelings are entirely valid into and of themselves. No, I don't know exactly why I'm "depressed". I haven't been particularly traumatized, I haven't had the hardest of lives, but I do have my own issues, and just because I look like I have it all together on the surface doesn't mean I'm somehow less entitled than anyone else to feel this way.
4)If you feel I have been ignoring you or blowing you off recently, I'm sorry. I have been doing neither. It has been so easy for me to feel incredibly overwhelmed, and when I feel that I way I retreat. Usually to bed. With the advent of spring, I'm already feeling slightly more upbeat, but it may take a month or two for the meds to kick in where I'm back to my normal self. Don't push me. I'll be there when I'm ready to be.
5)Don't analyze me, I won't analyze you. Deal?
Of course, for those of you in my shoes, I will try really hard to respect you the way I ask respect. I know this post is coming off as bossy and demanding and presumptuous, but I don't know any other way to say what I need to say. This whole deal has been humbling, but I also feel really relieved. I'm so sick of just plodding along. I'm too old to be in this place in my life. Hopefully this will speed up the whole "having a life" process. We'll see. Hopefully I'll see some of you soon! I am grateful to have the friends I do,even if I don't express it well.
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love_alone: Your post inspired me. I bought Good in Bed and stayed up all night last night reading it. Its an amazing book!
Now, I have a movie to go catch. Thank you, and good night.
So my big decision this week was to go back on medication for depression. Its something I've dealt with on and off for the last ten years, and something that's probably affected me for the last fifteen years. I had a particularly bad winter this year, worse than I've had probably since my first year of college. I'm not generally pessimistic, and I've never been even remotely suicidal- thank God!- but I've spent the last three or four months utterly exhausted and entirely unmotivated to get out of bed. The doctor I saw this week said that she diagnoses me with Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, and PMDD.
So why am I making a post about this? I guess because its going to come up in conversation eventually with most of my friends. But I'm also kind of asking for help, and for those of you who know me well know that I don't easily ask for help. This does not mean I expect to be treated as if I'm made of glass. In fact, that would really piss me off. But I have made kind of a list of what would truly be beneficial to me in dealing with this:
1)Please don't constantly ask me if I'm "OK". I'm probably not truly OK, but neither am I on the edge of anything, and I'm surviving more than decently. A lot of people I know aren't truly "OK", and I know it doesn't make me special. In fact, constantly asking if I'm OK is probably the best way for me to break my non-violent tendencies, and clock someone.
2)Please don't give me your opinion on medication, whether it is the type of medication, or whether or not a person should take meds at all for this. I'm not naive, and I've certainly done my homework the last ten years. It was a difficult decision to start it up again, and I already feel a little bit like a heel. It isn't going to help matters if I feel as if I'm being looked down on for taking medication.
3)I am way open to discussion and dialogue on this matter, as I know quite a few people I know are in similar situations. In fact, an informal support group of some kind would probably benefit all of us. Just please don't come to me and try to tell me how your life is worse than mine, or harder than mine, or that you're more depressed or more messed up than I am. These issues are highly personal, and each persons feelings are entirely valid into and of themselves. No, I don't know exactly why I'm "depressed". I haven't been particularly traumatized, I haven't had the hardest of lives, but I do have my own issues, and just because I look like I have it all together on the surface doesn't mean I'm somehow less entitled than anyone else to feel this way.
4)If you feel I have been ignoring you or blowing you off recently, I'm sorry. I have been doing neither. It has been so easy for me to feel incredibly overwhelmed, and when I feel that I way I retreat. Usually to bed. With the advent of spring, I'm already feeling slightly more upbeat, but it may take a month or two for the meds to kick in where I'm back to my normal self. Don't push me. I'll be there when I'm ready to be.
5)Don't analyze me, I won't analyze you. Deal?
Of course, for those of you in my shoes, I will try really hard to respect you the way I ask respect. I know this post is coming off as bossy and demanding and presumptuous, but I don't know any other way to say what I need to say. This whole deal has been humbling, but I also feel really relieved. I'm so sick of just plodding along. I'm too old to be in this place in my life. Hopefully this will speed up the whole "having a life" process. We'll see. Hopefully I'll see some of you soon! I am grateful to have the friends I do,even if I don't express it well.
love_alone: Your post inspired me. I bought Good in Bed and stayed up all night last night reading it. Its an amazing book!Now, I have a movie to go catch. Thank you, and good night.
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Date: 2003-03-14 06:19 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-03-14 08:41 pm (UTC)