(no subject)

[violachic]

So I've hit a level of just sheer exhaustion that is very possibly unprecedented. I guess I haven't stopped being tired, on some level, since I got back into the country in early December, but considering all this kidnapping business in Iraq started a week before I returned, its not really that big of a mystery. My last week in Palestine was pretty awful, trauma-type-wise, plus nobody on the team was getting a whole lot of sleep because of the bad news.

Yesterday started out okay, what with me being able to sleep in and everything. We had a very nice hour-long, small service and then a pizza lunch. But the afternoon and evening went so far south, so quickly, it was amazing. I know that everything else seems blown out of proportion when you're so tired, but that doesn't change how it feels, viscerally. Sometimes it actually is how it feels.

I feel as if we've all had to spend so much time and energy being "on", putting on press conferences and vigils and all, that its been very difficult to actually stop and think I knew this person and counted him as a friend, and now I'm never going to see him again, much less there were these really wonderful things about him and I need to remember them, and tell everyone what I knew.

Wednesday evening, I did go to the Taize service, and as predicted, I did get a good cry in. It really surprised me, though, how much it physically hurt to cry. My chest muscles and my shoulders were very sore for several hours. It was really nice to be in a community where they totally get CPT work, but they're far enough outside the sphere that this isn't all it was about, being with them.

Last night there were two things I had to attend, one after the other, that I wish I had backed out on. One was a regular vigil as part of a Bring The Troops Home Now campaign that was dedicated to Tom, and the other was an actual memorial service, put on by a local church (the campaign was a week-long thing, out in front of Dennis Hastert's office in Batavia) specifically for Tom. While I was incredibly moved by the fact that thirty or forty people who had never met the man gathered to remember his life, I- and my CPT colleages as well- was frustrated because once again, we were expected to be "on". Luckily, it was relatively short, very low key, and it was so very nice to watch others be moved as they heard words about him.

Blogging, I know, is going to become a really important way for me to get through this. I'm a naturally introverted person, and the thing I most fear is the idea of being a burden to someone else. I'm not going to seek out people to talk about this with, or ask for comfort or help, not verbally, anyway. So writing this all down here is the best way. Every thought, no matter how irrational, is going to need to be taken apart and looked at. Or, maybe, once I'm better rested, I won't feel like that is such a need.

In the meantime, I'm kind of dreading this weekend. Tomorrow is the big 3rd Anniversary day, there are at least three different rallies/marches that I feel very strongly about attending. Sunday there is a funeral for someone at church. I wasn't close to her, but she was one of the four or five people who were so instrumental in making my sister and I feel so welcome there that we kept coming. She was a very special person. I'd also really like to go see magp's show on Saturday night.

I'd also really like to be able to have a conversation with people where I can go longer than ten minutes without discussing Iraq or CPT or Tom or whatever. I don't see that happening any time soon, and I'm more and more afraid of alienating- or at least boring- more and more people.

I'm angsty. I'm tired. I'm sad, and I'm stressed. I suppose I'm angry, but not sure at what or whom. I'm trying to take each opportunity as it comes to be distracted or whatever. And I'm not sure exactly what I need from anyone else who have offered support. If I don't take you up on something, its not because I don't still love you :-)

I mean, don't let this sound like I'm fatalistic or whatever. I'm just noting that this is a struggle, and its something that I'll get through, we'll get through, but in the meantime, its kind of a bitch.

And for now, that's all I have to whine about.

Comments

[magp.livejournal.com]

If you're able to make it, I promise, I won't say a word about anything involving the Middle East!

I'm a little disappointed I'm not going to be able to get to any of those rallies.

[tanyad.livejournal.com]

Hey,

If you want to have a CPT free convo, feel free to call me. or if you just want to vent, you know where to find me. Lemme know if you want to swing by and help me deplete the mini-bar I've accumlated as well.

Love to you.

[ironheadjane.livejournal.com]

I'd love to do that w/ y'all too!! :( Stop living so far away!

[tanyad.livejournal.com]

I know honey... I know. I must make it out there this summer!

[sabotabby]

I'm constantly in admiration of your strength, and I'm hear to listen whenever you need to vent.

[sweetzicke.livejournal.com]

I'm with sabotabby - I'm happy to read your venting.