(no subject)

[violachic]

So things in the office have finally waned. Media coverage backed off far more quickly than we thought it might, which left us all free to not be in the office at all on Sunday. After Saturday night's vigil, we all went home and collapsed.

Unfortunately, Monday proved to be insanity yet again, because we had our quarterly newsletter slated to go out, and due to other scheduling restraints in coming weeks, decided to not put it off. I scrambled to get the rest of the mailing labels printed off, recruit volunteers, and get things set up in the church basement. Unbeknownst to myself, however, some of my officemates took bunches of newsletters and remittance envelopes home with them and with the help of houseguests, managed to get the vast majority of the newsletters stuffed. This, combined with the fact that we had a grand total of about fifteen very industrious labelers, enabled us to get it almost all finished in barely two days. Yesterday, there were about 600 left to label, which yet another hard-working volunteer did while we were all in meeting. I'm taking the entire mailing to the post office today and dropping it with the bulk mail people. This year, the Canada office took on responsibility of the assembly and mailing of their end of it, and the batch mailing- where we send large bundles of the newsletter to churches and things- went out last week when we ended up with lots of volunteers aching to do something. In short, this is easily a record for getting the mailing out- usually it takes almost two weeks from start to finish. I'm quite impressed, and incredibly relieved.

The grieving process continues to unfold. Its so difficult, when you're in the position of making sure regular functions don't shut down, to find the time and the head-space in which to do actual grieving. Its very easy to bury your head in work or other distractions under the guise of "the show must go on!" and then get bit in the butt later on. Our entire staff learned this a little bit the hard way after the initial kidnappings. When we finally went on retreat at the end of January many people were very surprised at the residual hurt and anger that emerged during the two days. In not letting ourselves stop the work long enough to think and meditate and wonder and feel, we really hurt ourselves. Since self-care is something that I'm working on myself, its high on my radar, so I've been trying to preach it to others. It may be catching on.

Personally, my emotions are starting to catch up with me a little bit. Luckily, I know that, and I'm trying to compensate, or work around it the best I can. The first few days I relied heavily on pure distraction- partly because I really needed the distraction, and partly because I had other things in my life I seriously wanted to attend to- to keep me going. Now I'm finding that I need to directly address the emotions that are welling up before they either swallow me, or I push them so far down that they get compressed into depression. I've been able to snag a vehicle the last couple nights, and I spent much of the drive to work this morning crying in the car, although I had no specific impetus to do so. This was a big clue to me.

There are two specific ways that heavy stress takes its toll on my body; one seeme to me to be a logical follower of the other. First and foremost, I stop sleeping. My brain gets wired up, and does that thing where it tends to go into some kind of loop, which prevents me from sucessfully falling asleep. Often, then, when I do fall asleep I have very strange dreams, and wake frequently. Not being able to sleep affects so many other things, including my mood, my perspective, and my ability to focus at tasks (read "work"). The most direct and annoying way it affects my body is that then I become ill, usually catching a cold or flu-type thing. I'm trying to avoid that, so I'm taking proactive measures to nip it all in the bud. Namely, as I mentioned yesterday, I'm searching for ways to clear my head so it doesn't go into the loop and keep me from sleeping. I decided to tag along with polyfrog last night to the LJ Meetup, where I got to hang with donia for the first time in at least a year, saw unhipster for the second time in my life, and spent a few minutes with robling_t before E and I busted out of there for the night. I also ingested a beer ($3.50 for a Corona? Come on!), which I'm sure went a long way towards relaxing my body. The overall result was that I was far more relaxed when falling asleep last night than I had been in about a week. I finally slept a lot better, but I'm still tired. Its going to take some time to dilute the sleep debt I've built up.

Tonight I've decided I'm going to attend the Taize service at All Saints, which is a staple on Wednesdays during Lent. I feel as if I need something centering and meditative, and something that will not only relax me, but act as a catharsis, and possibly put in into a better space for communicating with the Divine-type thingy I commonly refer to as "God". That is something that I haven't done in a very, very long time, mostly because I'm stubborn and independent, but I also realize that I need to find a way to do it, if not for myself, but for my ability to communicate with and care for others. Maybe I'll find something for myself in there, too. Who knows? I do know that I'll probably cry through the whole thing, which is actually a source of stress, too. I don't want to end up making a spectacle of myself publically, but I am unsure how to strike a balance between embarassing myself, and doing what will be helpful in the long run.

My head spins, even during the good moments- and really, there are a lot of good moments. But it spins, as I continue trying to take this all in and process it, disseminate the information. There are so many aspects to dealing with Tom's death that are overlapping, but separate. First and foremost, there's the personal grief, the loss of a friend and colleague. Then there's the immediacy of dealing with the logistics from the office standpoint, dealing with the media, doing press conferences, planning the vigils, answering phone calls- both of condolence and of criticism- etc. Then, of course, there's a deeper layer of what the implications of this might mean, organizational-wide. Will it break us? Will it make us stronger? Will it bring us discredit, or build our support network? Will we all fall over of sheer exhaustion or stress-related illness before anything else can take root, either positive or negative? And I'm also so very acutely aware of how the vicarious stress over this is affecting my loved ones. For anyone who has had to endure my strangeness, my tiredness, the unpredicability of my whole life, my crankiness- you're nothing short of saints. For anyone who feels neglected, for any reason, thank you for your patience. I cringe to think that my involvement with CPT estranges me from anyone I care about, but that's a whole other post entirely, that I'm not sure I have the energy to make any time soon. I do know that there are dozens upon dozens of people who have offered sympathy and support in the last week who I have not had the opportunity to get back to- and to you all, such a heartfelt thanks and gratitude for simply being there.

Mostly, I think I need a good cry. It lurks very much under the surface, and when I'm distracted I kind of forget its there. But its there, much of the time. I get so exhausted talking about this, but I can't do anything else, it seems. Talk about it, think, write, read, study. I remember the counselor who ran our retreat in January referring to this as something called "closing the Gestalt", although I can't for the life of me explain it in plain language. I do get teary, sometimes out of the blue. Mostly its when I have to deal with words of sympathy and condolence. Within minutes of this news hitting the wire, I received a text message from a LiveJournal friend that I've never met in real life, offering hugs and love and sympathy. That made me lose it, although it meant the entire world to me at that very moment- thank you, kynn. Its hardest when I'm answering the phones at the office- when a complete stranger calls and says "I heard the news, and I'm so, so, very sorry", I choke up to the point where I can barely formulate a reply. I usually end up swallowing hard and being able to only say "Thank you very much for calling". Moments of just sheer tenderness can also make me well up- a hug or kiss, a touch on the arm, etc.

Taking hate calls doesn't make me cry, they just piss me off. On Saturday, I had to endure at least five or six people who called to rant at me about a wide variety of things- we support terrorists, we're not really Christians because we don't "spread the gospel", we're all going to burn in hell, we're so naive that we're not getting worked up enough to have revenge on those who brutally murdered someone, etc, etc. All I can do is let them rant and rave, waiting and listening, and then say politely, "thank you for calling", and gingerly hang up. Usually they run out of steam when they realize I'm not going to argue with them, or come up with some snappy rejoinder. The thing is, my first reaction is to be so angry that they can't respect other people's grief enough to let us have a few days before they pound on us. It makes me glad that I don't have any glasses on my desk, because I'd feel compelled to hurl them at the wall (property damage isn't necessarily considered violence ;-)).


This has run so very stream-of-conciousness, and I think I finally dried up for now. I'm sure there will be more. I know there are so many bright spots around right now, including but not limited to the impending nuptials of ironheadjane and disappearinjon that makes me float-on-clouds happy and excited- and not just because I get a week's vacation to go to it. I'm going to try to keep an eye on these things, remember that there's more to life than fucked-up-ness.


Oh yeah- and if it wasn't already news, the US State Department is a bunch of asshats. Please note that this is my own personal statement, and not necessarily a viewpoint shared or endorsed by CPT as an organization. If you'd like to know the extended story, someday I'll tell it to you.


I think that is all.

Comments

[iniswitryn.livejournal.com]

I'd like to know the extended story.

And,

Will it bring us discredit, or build our support network?

It's going to build your support network by one donation, anyway. Once I sit down and look at my checkbook and figure out what's what. Is there a preferred method of donating - check, credit card, paypal? Please let me know.

Also, possibly of interest to you or other CPTers although it's very expensive: Network of Spiritual Progressives: Spiritual Activism Conference in Washington DC May 17-20. I'm looking at going, if I can afford 4 days away from home.

[sabotabby]

I can't really get over the hate calls. I can't think of anyone—and I hate a lot of people—that I would call up and abuse like that in the event that they just lost a friend or colleague. And it's ridiculous. Christ was all about turning the other cheek and non-violence and all that, and they have the gall to say that you're not real Christians?

I hope you get a break of some sort soon, and time to grieve.

I'd also like to know the extended story, although it isn't a surprise that the US State Department are a bunch of asshats.

[magp.livejournal.com]

That you guys are getting hate calls just absolutely blows my mind.

[jk-fabiani.livejournal.com]

Thanks for posting that, you all are the signal through the noise.

[splagxna.livejournal.com]

*hugs* where is all saints?

[violachic.livejournal.com]

Wilson and Hermitage

[splagxna.livejournal.com]

huh. i think i may need to do that sometime.

[sleepykins.livejournal.com]

great big hug all around. you are in my heart everyday. I started crying when I took down Tom's words (about not stepping away) from my wall (because I have to pack everything, not because of what happened) and decided to keep them up until the very last moment.

Taize is good. Crying is good. And I am so proud to know you.

[geezerlee.livejournal.com]

I was checking the web site of the Stillwater (OK) town paper, as I've been doing regularly to keep up with the Land Grab, and saw that the local Friends Meeting is having a special celebration of Tom's life and witness at their weekly peace vigil this afternoon.

"You are not without friends, even though you know them not," as Gandalf said to Theoden.

[subdermalglow.livejournal.com]

CAKE! I can't guarantee it will help with the sleep, or the crying, or really anything but the small part of one's brain reserved for Chocolate Endorphins - but that part at least will be happy!

Love you. N.B.: Taize is candlelit - nice and dim for weepers. Take kleenex (or TP) so you don't sniffle too loudly, and you'll probably fit right in. ;-)

[ironheadjane.livejournal.com]

Hey babe, got your msg last night. I've been sick the past couple days, so I haven't felt up for calling back. Throat infection, etc. Much love and peace and stuff.

[sweetzicke.livejournal.com]

I admire you and your organisation, and I'm very sorry about your friend and colleague Tom Fox. I wish you strength, and am sending you a hug if you'd like it.

[unhipster.livejournal.com]

"On Saturday, I had to endure at least five or six people who called to rant at me about a wide variety of things- we support terrorists, we're not really Christians because we don't "spread the gospel", we're all going to burn in hell, we're so naive that we're not getting worked up enough to have revenge on those who brutally murdered someone, etc, etc."
Really, what do those people think they're going to accomplish? And those of them that are Christians, do they think making hate calls is what Jesus would do?

[robling-t.livejournal.com]

I was thinking last night as I was watching the Nightline bit on Billy Graham's Mini-Me of a kid that Jesus would probably come down and royally bitchslap an awful lot of the people who claim to be His followers... {sigh}

[kynn.livejournal.com]

You are always welcome to hugs from me, my friend.