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Nov. 15th, 2003 03:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
violachicI try to stay away from making blanket statements like "this was a shitty week", or "my life sucks" or things of that nature. If I'm grumpy or cranky in the moment, I say "I'm cranky today", or "today really kinda sucked" or something else equally impermanent. I mean, for the most part, I really love life, I really love my life, and I know I have a whole lot of really great things going on, despite issues or problems or drama or setbacks. But right now, I kind of have to say, this week really sucked. Really, really sucked. And it doesn't look like its going to be looking particularly up particularly soon.
Is the sun still flaring? Can we blame it on last weekend's lunar eclipse? I talk to people, and I read my friends page, and I realize that a great many people I know are also feeling quite down and depressed and stressed and stuff. So I know that feeling this way doesn't make me unique. But this time, that seems to offer little perspective, and even less consolation when I can't seem to pull myself out of the doldrums by my shoelaces. I know that my week started feeling kind of crappy simply because I was feeling the autumn blues, but all of a sudden at the end of the week, several important things all pertaining to one central issue kind of converged into a nasty head just waiting to explode. I don't think I even knew I felt this strongly about it until it was presented to me in the way it was.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for two years. It may sounds simple enough to ask "why didn't you just leave?", but unless you've been there, it is almost impossible to understand why. It took me two years and five weeks to realize that the relationship was harmful to my health and well-being before I got out. It was another two years before I realized it should have been classified as a truly abusive relationship. No, he never hit me. I didn't leave with bruises or cuts or broken bones. But I did leave with a sense of myself as a worthless nobody, someone who was too fat, too immature, too stupid, too everything to be worth anything to anyone. In that relationship, I gained eighty pounds, and lost every ounce of self-respect and self-confidence I had ever possessed- which wasn't a whole lot to begin with. You don't realize you need to leave, because your partner slowly but surely (pardon the cliche) breaks you down and demeans you until you feel as if you are lucky to have them at all. For some people, by the time they get there, its too late to get out at all. I was lucky.
So why am I bringing this up now? Who cares, its over, isn't it?
Its strange how things get thrown in your face sometimes when you least expect it.
This whole recent drama issue, even though its been played out on LJ (if you don't know what I'm talking about, you don't need to know what I'm talking about) has horrified me. When I got treated a certain way by someone, I sort of thought perhaps I could be partially at fault for something. But when I see that person treat others the same way, I finally come to realize that I am not to blame. Unfortunately, I also have to deal with... not guilt, exactly, but the horror of knowing the pain and humiliation that person has to go through. And then part of me wonders why I couldn't have recognized the tendencies earlier and tried to stop them, or maybe stop others from becoming invovled in a situation that would be potentially harmful to their health and well-being. But I know, overall, I have no control over other people's actions or words, and we all just have to fend for ourselves, and pick up our friend's pieces if its necessary.
The last three months have conjured up some really awful associations, through both actions and words.
On top of dealing with that, my not-so-esteemed ex seems to have popped up in things peripherally . I'm so happy that I wasn't in the situation where I had to deal with him, but I'm sorry that he popped up at all. All I can do is wonder how he got as far as he has, and thank my best friend for her undying loyalty. Maybe she can warn some people off from getting involved in a situation that would potentially be harmful to their health and well-being.
I'm sure many people who read this will find my wordings vague. I'm sorry about that, but my goal isn't to "out" anyone, or point fingers at either a person or a situation, but to deal with my own reactions to what has happened. The thing that sucks the most about reacting is dealing with the feelings of humiliation. Not only the initial humiliation, but the humiliation that followed, the part where I beat myself up for even getting involved with those people. I wonder if I'll ever learn. Why is it that the only people I have tried to get involved with, starting with and since Paul, are the ones who are most likely to hurt me? Do I ask for it? Am I just weak? Why can't I say no to bullshit? Why am I so stupid?
Someone on my friends page has made allusions to an emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend as well. I hope she reads this and knows that I fully empathize with her both with the residual pain, and with the recovery process. I applaud the determination she seems to have to not let it affect her life anymore, and I really wish I could feel that way too. But it won't happen today. Maybe tomorrow.
Is the sun still flaring? Can we blame it on last weekend's lunar eclipse? I talk to people, and I read my friends page, and I realize that a great many people I know are also feeling quite down and depressed and stressed and stuff. So I know that feeling this way doesn't make me unique. But this time, that seems to offer little perspective, and even less consolation when I can't seem to pull myself out of the doldrums by my shoelaces. I know that my week started feeling kind of crappy simply because I was feeling the autumn blues, but all of a sudden at the end of the week, several important things all pertaining to one central issue kind of converged into a nasty head just waiting to explode. I don't think I even knew I felt this strongly about it until it was presented to me in the way it was.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for two years. It may sounds simple enough to ask "why didn't you just leave?", but unless you've been there, it is almost impossible to understand why. It took me two years and five weeks to realize that the relationship was harmful to my health and well-being before I got out. It was another two years before I realized it should have been classified as a truly abusive relationship. No, he never hit me. I didn't leave with bruises or cuts or broken bones. But I did leave with a sense of myself as a worthless nobody, someone who was too fat, too immature, too stupid, too everything to be worth anything to anyone. In that relationship, I gained eighty pounds, and lost every ounce of self-respect and self-confidence I had ever possessed- which wasn't a whole lot to begin with. You don't realize you need to leave, because your partner slowly but surely (pardon the cliche) breaks you down and demeans you until you feel as if you are lucky to have them at all. For some people, by the time they get there, its too late to get out at all. I was lucky.
So why am I bringing this up now? Who cares, its over, isn't it?
Its strange how things get thrown in your face sometimes when you least expect it.
This whole recent drama issue, even though its been played out on LJ (if you don't know what I'm talking about, you don't need to know what I'm talking about) has horrified me. When I got treated a certain way by someone, I sort of thought perhaps I could be partially at fault for something. But when I see that person treat others the same way, I finally come to realize that I am not to blame. Unfortunately, I also have to deal with... not guilt, exactly, but the horror of knowing the pain and humiliation that person has to go through. And then part of me wonders why I couldn't have recognized the tendencies earlier and tried to stop them, or maybe stop others from becoming invovled in a situation that would be potentially harmful to their health and well-being. But I know, overall, I have no control over other people's actions or words, and we all just have to fend for ourselves, and pick up our friend's pieces if its necessary.
The last three months have conjured up some really awful associations, through both actions and words.
On top of dealing with that, my not-so-esteemed ex seems to have popped up in things peripherally . I'm so happy that I wasn't in the situation where I had to deal with him, but I'm sorry that he popped up at all. All I can do is wonder how he got as far as he has, and thank my best friend for her undying loyalty. Maybe she can warn some people off from getting involved in a situation that would potentially be harmful to their health and well-being.
I'm sure many people who read this will find my wordings vague. I'm sorry about that, but my goal isn't to "out" anyone, or point fingers at either a person or a situation, but to deal with my own reactions to what has happened. The thing that sucks the most about reacting is dealing with the feelings of humiliation. Not only the initial humiliation, but the humiliation that followed, the part where I beat myself up for even getting involved with those people. I wonder if I'll ever learn. Why is it that the only people I have tried to get involved with, starting with and since Paul, are the ones who are most likely to hurt me? Do I ask for it? Am I just weak? Why can't I say no to bullshit? Why am I so stupid?
Someone on my friends page has made allusions to an emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend as well. I hope she reads this and knows that I fully empathize with her both with the residual pain, and with the recovery process. I applaud the determination she seems to have to not let it affect her life anymore, and I really wish I could feel that way too. But it won't happen today. Maybe tomorrow.
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Re: abusive men suck!
Date: 2003-11-17 01:52 pm (UTC)That's exactly how my relationship ended. He did it once, then we kind of made up, but when he went off again even harder about a month later, I didn't have the energy to work it out. I just called him up and left a message saying "I'll be over at your apartment to pick up my stuff tomorrow", and never talked to him again.
Thanks for your empathy! I really appreciate it.