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Aug. 29th, 2002 03:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
violachicI love and adore my Sunday. Despite the fact that he poured beer in my hair tonight. He is one of the most amazing, loving, intelligent, perceptive people I've ever met in my life. And I am so ultimately blessed to have him in my life. I will miss him so terribly when I go away. Anyway...it was his birthday. And he made a really big deal yesterday out of the fact that he didn't want to do anything for his birthday. Well, being such good friends as we are, we didn't listen to a thing he said. He got two cakes, got sung to 3 times, and the candles even eventually added all the way up to 28.
YAY FOR FREE JELLO SHOTS!
I don't think he complained. In fact, I think he even had a really good time. So did we all.
Whatever that chocolate cake stuff is from Jewel, it is DAMNED good.
I got to see Jay for the first time in....I dunno.....ages. Last time I saw him was in March, and before that I think it was a year and a half. Before that it might have been two years. Amazing how people change, and how they stay the same, at the same time.
He's definitely going to emerge as a character in my novel in twenty years.
I had my first shots of tequila tonight in fifteen months. Ever since that bad run-in last year on my birthday. Eek. I can't believe I touched the stuff. I must have already been on the way to drunk to even THINK about it! I'm getting that funny feeling in the back of my throat right now just talking about it. Subject must be changed!!!
I'm really tired. I drank a LOT tonight, then we went to the Golden Nugget, ate breakfast and drank a whooooooolllle lotta coffee. So my body doesn't know what the hell to do. Which is why I'm here, now, doing what I'm doing. Which probably consists of boring the living crap out of most of you.
But something has been on my mind tonight, about this whole BVS stuff. I mean, I want to go work with kids, ideally. Go somewhere where kids have gotten the royal screw-over, which is almost everywhere in the world, and try to make their lives better. Ok, ok, its not really as simplistic and Pollyanna-ish as all that. But I think y'all know what I mean. Anyway, I guess I was thinking, what right do I really have, coming in there and telling them its all going to be all right? Even though I've been through a fair amount of crap in my life, its still nothing compared to most of the rest of the world. If I do end up in Bosnia, well shit, that's a war zone. I have no idea what its like to grow up in a war zone! I don't know what its like to have my home gutted, and get shot at, and watch my friends and neighbors die all around me. Do I really have what it takes to understand these kids, and make something a little brighter for them? Is it POSSIBLE to make it brighter for them? Is it possible to stop it all from happening to more kids? Can I help stop the cycle so those who are kids now don't grow up to be the adults who shoot at each other? Will any of them grow up any less fucked up just because I stayed there for two years?
I look at the project listings, and there is SO MUCH. Everywhere in the country, all around the world, there will never be a shortage of places to go. It seems kind of overwhelming sometimes. So much pain in the world to absorb, and so few people willing to absorb it. Am I strong enough to absorb enough pain to make a difference? Or will I burn out, bottom out, before I can even begin? Is it wrong of me to want to go all the way to Bosnia when there are millions of kids all around me in pain and needing someone?
I suppose I could come up with a thousand more questions just sitting here now. And if I'm lucky, I'll come up with half-assed answers to maybe a fraction of them. I'm not really all as depressed as this makes out, I'm just thinking really hard.
That burning-rubber smell is my brain.
Anyway, maybe I should go crawl into my futon now and attempt to sleep. I suppose I have a big day tomorrow. I will catch y'all later, prolly.
I just realized that Sunday never gave me the back rub he promised in return for pouring beer on me. The bastard.
YAY FOR FREE JELLO SHOTS!
I don't think he complained. In fact, I think he even had a really good time. So did we all.
Whatever that chocolate cake stuff is from Jewel, it is DAMNED good.
I got to see Jay for the first time in....I dunno.....ages. Last time I saw him was in March, and before that I think it was a year and a half. Before that it might have been two years. Amazing how people change, and how they stay the same, at the same time.
He's definitely going to emerge as a character in my novel in twenty years.
I had my first shots of tequila tonight in fifteen months. Ever since that bad run-in last year on my birthday. Eek. I can't believe I touched the stuff. I must have already been on the way to drunk to even THINK about it! I'm getting that funny feeling in the back of my throat right now just talking about it. Subject must be changed!!!
I'm really tired. I drank a LOT tonight, then we went to the Golden Nugget, ate breakfast and drank a whooooooolllle lotta coffee. So my body doesn't know what the hell to do. Which is why I'm here, now, doing what I'm doing. Which probably consists of boring the living crap out of most of you.
But something has been on my mind tonight, about this whole BVS stuff. I mean, I want to go work with kids, ideally. Go somewhere where kids have gotten the royal screw-over, which is almost everywhere in the world, and try to make their lives better. Ok, ok, its not really as simplistic and Pollyanna-ish as all that. But I think y'all know what I mean. Anyway, I guess I was thinking, what right do I really have, coming in there and telling them its all going to be all right? Even though I've been through a fair amount of crap in my life, its still nothing compared to most of the rest of the world. If I do end up in Bosnia, well shit, that's a war zone. I have no idea what its like to grow up in a war zone! I don't know what its like to have my home gutted, and get shot at, and watch my friends and neighbors die all around me. Do I really have what it takes to understand these kids, and make something a little brighter for them? Is it POSSIBLE to make it brighter for them? Is it possible to stop it all from happening to more kids? Can I help stop the cycle so those who are kids now don't grow up to be the adults who shoot at each other? Will any of them grow up any less fucked up just because I stayed there for two years?
I look at the project listings, and there is SO MUCH. Everywhere in the country, all around the world, there will never be a shortage of places to go. It seems kind of overwhelming sometimes. So much pain in the world to absorb, and so few people willing to absorb it. Am I strong enough to absorb enough pain to make a difference? Or will I burn out, bottom out, before I can even begin? Is it wrong of me to want to go all the way to Bosnia when there are millions of kids all around me in pain and needing someone?
I suppose I could come up with a thousand more questions just sitting here now. And if I'm lucky, I'll come up with half-assed answers to maybe a fraction of them. I'm not really all as depressed as this makes out, I'm just thinking really hard.
That burning-rubber smell is my brain.
Anyway, maybe I should go crawl into my futon now and attempt to sleep. I suppose I have a big day tomorrow. I will catch y'all later, prolly.
I just realized that Sunday never gave me the back rub he promised in return for pouring beer on me. The bastard.
