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Dec. 2nd, 2003 12:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
violachicThere doesn't seem to be much talking me into celebrating Christmas this year. This idea in itself is not extraordinary, there are so many people who do not to celebrate this holiday for many reasons. But this is weird for me- I'm the kind of person who would celebrate Christmas in August if I could. I'm a huge sap, and always enjoy the Christmas sitcom reruns that inevitably get played during the middle of the summer.
But this year, I could really care less about Christmas. Sure, yesterday in church I felt some faint spiritual stirrings surrounding the idea of Advent and the impending holiday season. But they managed to fade, and today I'm all... eh... about it again.
There's just too much weighing itself against Christmas this year. First, and most in the limelight, are my financial disaster woes. Money has been the tightest its ever been, and I know I'm not going to be able to purchase gift one this year unless I win the freaking lottery. I know that the season isn't all about gifts, but it means a lot to me to be able to give something to people I care about very much. But even past Christmas, the black cloud of horrendous finances just seems to loom larger and larger.
Then there's the fact that it looks like there will be no family this year. My sister and her boyfriend are spending Christmas out of state with his family. My mother is going to Connecticut for her aunt's memorial service, which is scheduled for the 22nd, and planning on staying through the 26th. I am supposed to go as well, but if I get a holiday job over the next few days (which I have to, or I'm pretty much dead), there's no way they'll let me off for the three days before the biggest buying holiday of the year. So that means I'm stuck at home. My dad will be here, but he's not much of a holiday person. We put up a tree- which I'm seriously reconsidering this year, as I don't really have the energy- but that's about it.
I really have to spend a lot of time re-evaluating things: what's important to me, what my standards are, who my friends are, who I trust, where I want to end up, etc... I have had enough game-playing and bullshit in the last year to last me the next one hundred years. I really have to distance myself from that- after all, I'm not in the seventh grade anymore. Life goes on, and I have to decide exactly how hard-nosed I'm going to have to be in order to do it successfully. I hate being hard-nosed. It feels so hypocritical- my life motto is basically giving other people the benefit of the doubt. But I guess there's more than a shred of truth to the idea that you can't be any good to anyone else unless you care for yourself first.
My return to livejournal may or may not be temporary. I still have a lot of things to straighten out in my head. If I do decide to leave permanently, it is no commentary to the friends I've made through LJ. I genuinely like all of you, and if I jump ship, I'll probably make sure I have a way to keep in contact with people.
Enormous thanks to those who expressed concern for me the last couple weeks. I'm most touched by the fact that so much concern came from people I hardly know, or have never met.
And now back to our regularly scheduled program.
But this year, I could really care less about Christmas. Sure, yesterday in church I felt some faint spiritual stirrings surrounding the idea of Advent and the impending holiday season. But they managed to fade, and today I'm all... eh... about it again.
There's just too much weighing itself against Christmas this year. First, and most in the limelight, are my financial disaster woes. Money has been the tightest its ever been, and I know I'm not going to be able to purchase gift one this year unless I win the freaking lottery. I know that the season isn't all about gifts, but it means a lot to me to be able to give something to people I care about very much. But even past Christmas, the black cloud of horrendous finances just seems to loom larger and larger.
Then there's the fact that it looks like there will be no family this year. My sister and her boyfriend are spending Christmas out of state with his family. My mother is going to Connecticut for her aunt's memorial service, which is scheduled for the 22nd, and planning on staying through the 26th. I am supposed to go as well, but if I get a holiday job over the next few days (which I have to, or I'm pretty much dead), there's no way they'll let me off for the three days before the biggest buying holiday of the year. So that means I'm stuck at home. My dad will be here, but he's not much of a holiday person. We put up a tree- which I'm seriously reconsidering this year, as I don't really have the energy- but that's about it.
I really have to spend a lot of time re-evaluating things: what's important to me, what my standards are, who my friends are, who I trust, where I want to end up, etc... I have had enough game-playing and bullshit in the last year to last me the next one hundred years. I really have to distance myself from that- after all, I'm not in the seventh grade anymore. Life goes on, and I have to decide exactly how hard-nosed I'm going to have to be in order to do it successfully. I hate being hard-nosed. It feels so hypocritical- my life motto is basically giving other people the benefit of the doubt. But I guess there's more than a shred of truth to the idea that you can't be any good to anyone else unless you care for yourself first.
My return to livejournal may or may not be temporary. I still have a lot of things to straighten out in my head. If I do decide to leave permanently, it is no commentary to the friends I've made through LJ. I genuinely like all of you, and if I jump ship, I'll probably make sure I have a way to keep in contact with people.
Enormous thanks to those who expressed concern for me the last couple weeks. I'm most touched by the fact that so much concern came from people I hardly know, or have never met.
And now back to our regularly scheduled program.
