(no subject)

[violachic]

Having a self-doubt night.

Not entirely sure why, except it seems to be something I do.

I know who I am, right? I know what I am. I know what I believe, I know where my talents are, and where my weaknesses lie.

Right?

I've come to realize that I have this chip on my shoulder about being underestimated. Its frustrating when I feel I'm around someone who wants to act as if I'm not as smart as they are, or not as educated or knowledgable as they are. But its also frustrating to be around people who are far more intelligent, educated, knowledgable than I am. The irony lies in that those who I will readily admit have quite a bit on me are the ones who never act as if I'm not good enough or whatever. But I can't tell if that's just me having a gut reaction to the other people, or if I just truly know some incredibly gracious smart people.

Heh.

I'm going stream-of-consciousness here, so don't sue me if all my thoughts don't fit together at the end.

I've been avoiding church all summer. I guess I could make the excuse that I didn't want to get up early on a Sunday morning, but I really hate to think I'm that lazy every week. Its important enough to me that if I wanted to be there, I'd be there. But for the last few months something hasn't felt "in place" about being there. I think I feel boxed in by people's expectations of me. My pastor keeps telling me she thinks I should go into "the ministry". Why does that scare me? I'm sure its partly due to where I grew up, that loose, evangelical protestant version of "the ministry", going around "saving people" and all. I am also uncomfortable with putting the way I live into a pigeonhole- no matter how liberal, no matter what form it takes, being a "minister" of any kind feels very limiting to me. There's so many people in the world who are actually alienated by the ministry rather than aided, and I'd hate to spend my life telling people that I only do things because I'm supposed to. But I also feel like I'd only be able to show and use a small fraction of myself.

I'm also convinced I wouldn't be as good at it as everyone thinks I would be.

That is only one example of an area of my life that I wish I could just figure out.

So even though this is rambly and disjointed, I think it boils down to this: Am I worried that I can't do it, and therefore will end up disappointing even more people, or am I worried I actually can do it?



The only thing I know right now is teaching.


Blah.

Comments

[bethypooh95.livejournal.com]

first of all... you are very smart and very talented. second of all... ministry can mean several different things. your youth group is a ministry--- music is a ministry. asking questions is a good thing. being confused is a good thing. it might not feel like it now when you dont know what end it up or down... but this is all good stuff... why you ask. because if you are thinking, then you are alive. and life is a good thing---at least thats what everyone keeps telling me. lol stop listening to what everyone else is expecting of you... at least what you think everyone else is expecting of you. look deep inside, talk to God, see if you can hear what he is trying to say to you. (not to get all religious on you and stuff.)but i think sometimes people are too busy listening and caving to the pressures and expectations of the outside world, that they dont take the time to listen to what God or themselves have to say. does any of this make sense? i kinda doesnt to me either, but the best advice i have ever gotten was "Let go, and Let God" if he is the "tour guide" you wont get lost. well... i hope i didnt get all philosophical on ya. i love you, and my phone will be back on this week for sure. so call me!

[bethypooh95.livejournal.com]

brooke says... "give amy hugs. and if she feels that bad come over. we will make her better."

In an age before life...

[tyme-not-4ever.livejournal.com]

The Faure Requiem is by far and away one of the most beautiful choral compositions i've ever had the privelege to perform...but that was in a simpler time, long ago before graduation. It almost moved me as much as it moved the congregation for whom my high school choir performed. We had a good choir...aaaahh, i'm about ready to ramble.

Sorry to bring this around to me.

Thank you drive through.

[ex-divalibby633.livejournal.com]

Amy, you ARE a minister. You minister to me all the time.

You ARE a performer. I loved listening to you practice at OM. And you werent even "performing" then. It is a comfortable, and yet challenging, element for you. That's the goal. Comfortable, yet challenging.

Those said, you are a terrific teacher. Dont underestimate the value of that. If I hadnt had great teachers, I couldnt sing like I do. I couldnt compose like I do. If you hadnt had good teachers, you couldnt play like you do. You couldnt write like you do.

Hell, if you hadnt had BAD teachers/professors, your life would have been less enriching. Pain is not necisarily bad, unless you dont learn. You learn, you grow. You even learned from Mr Wheaton-Violist-Asshole. You learned that his attitude and his teaching style were crap, and that taught you something about how to, and how not to, treat your own students. (not that you would ever treat anyone that badly, but it reinforces it, you know??)

I love you. You are an amazing individual, and a fantastic friend/minister/performer/teacher.

remember that.

[pinkfluffyjumpr.livejournal.com]

you are a minister..
of friendship
love
compassion
music
...
i think that they are telling you in the only way that they know how... that you are good at being you... caring and compassionate...

[name-omitted.livejournal.com]

One of the hardest things for me to get used to out of college was finding a new congregation. I discovered that many of the congregations outside of college were more interested in making their members comfortable than making them uncomfortable. I am not a Christian because I want to be made comfortable.

The net result, for me, is that on average, I have been going to church much less frequently. It has been several months since I have taken communion as the church I am presently attending on Sundays does not partake in communion, and the Lutheran vespers I am going to does not have communion as a part of their midweek vespers anymore (when I used to live here two years ago they did, largely for me). I don't feel guilty about missing it, but I DO miss it.

and on top of that, I have many people telling me I should go into the ministry.

It is a hard thing to think about when I feel adrift in a sea of Christianity, with no denomination feeling "right." I feel called to serve, but not to the ministry. That call to serve is what people see in me; that is why they want me to go to seminary. I need a different path.


This is where vocation comes in. Let me try that again.

This is where Vocation comes in. If you know how to teach, and you do that well, and you feel right doing it, what greater service could you provide in the ministry? Who's to say you aren't in the ministry? If you are not supposed to be teaching, who's to say you have to continue doing so?

My mother has had more occupations than I can count on my fingers since leaving college, almost all of which have had some direct affect on other peoples lives, most of which were completely unimaginable for her when she was our age. The options she has had have often unfolded by happenstance, completely unforeseeable. What she did while she was our age laid the groundwork, but she didn't know what she was building at the time. She has done many, many things in her life, but ultimately, probably none more important than teaching.

She now teaches independent media in the Balkans. Some of the people she and dad taught went on to be damn good journalists. Some of the people they taught went on to help bring down Milosovic' in Yugoslavia. When left school, she worked copy at the traffic desk at KARE television in the Twin Cites. Not an auspicious beginning.


When you say the only thing you know right now is teaching, you are by nature selling yourself short. You teach well enough you have people tracking you down, after leaving your former employer. That is something special. I rather reckon you know how to play as well.

You know how to be a friend. Within two hours of posting this, you have had 5 responses form people who are telling you how special you are. You know what? We're right.

And me? I've only reacquainted myself with you over the last few weeks, and that over the rather imperfect medium of the internet, which hides many of your qualities. Your friends who know you better have already said so much more, in far fewer words. We're still right.

[karenb2.livejournal.com]

What everyone else said, especially about ministry as religion's not exactly my area of specialty. Asking questions is almost always a good thing, too.

I suspect you know a lot more than just teaching -- which in itself is a pretty valuable skill. (I had to bring grandma in on it when I was trying to help a kid friend with his homework last year.) I don't know you that well, but I already know that you know how to be a student, both of music and in academia. You know how to deal with people in your work, both in general and as customers specifically. You can write coherently (cf. this post), which is more than some college grads can do. I suspect that you're somewhat computer literate as well.

Various combinations of these skills could probably get you a number of different jobs or volunteer opportunities. Even in retail you can help make someone else's day better or worse (but I suspect you're Not An Axe Murderer, among other things, so better is more likely).

I've come to realize that I have this chip on my shoulder about being underestimated.

There are a lot of twits in the world, for various reasons. Don't let 'em get you down. And if you'd prefer a more objective reinforcement, you might try one or more of the quizzes here.