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Sep. 15th, 2003 07:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
violachicHaving a self-doubt night.
Not entirely sure why, except it seems to be something I do.
I know who I am, right? I know what I am. I know what I believe, I know where my talents are, and where my weaknesses lie.
Right?
I've come to realize that I have this chip on my shoulder about being underestimated. Its frustrating when I feel I'm around someone who wants to act as if I'm not as smart as they are, or not as educated or knowledgable as they are. But its also frustrating to be around people who are far more intelligent, educated, knowledgable than I am. The irony lies in that those who I will readily admit have quite a bit on me are the ones who never act as if I'm not good enough or whatever. But I can't tell if that's just me having a gut reaction to the other people, or if I just truly know some incredibly gracious smart people.
Heh.
I'm going stream-of-consciousness here, so don't sue me if all my thoughts don't fit together at the end.
I've been avoiding church all summer. I guess I could make the excuse that I didn't want to get up early on a Sunday morning, but I really hate to think I'm that lazy every week. Its important enough to me that if I wanted to be there, I'd be there. But for the last few months something hasn't felt "in place" about being there. I think I feel boxed in by people's expectations of me. My pastor keeps telling me she thinks I should go into "the ministry". Why does that scare me? I'm sure its partly due to where I grew up, that loose, evangelical protestant version of "the ministry", going around "saving people" and all. I am also uncomfortable with putting the way I live into a pigeonhole- no matter how liberal, no matter what form it takes, being a "minister" of any kind feels very limiting to me. There's so many people in the world who are actually alienated by the ministry rather than aided, and I'd hate to spend my life telling people that I only do things because I'm supposed to. But I also feel like I'd only be able to show and use a small fraction of myself.
I'm also convinced I wouldn't be as good at it as everyone thinks I would be.
That is only one example of an area of my life that I wish I could just figure out.
So even though this is rambly and disjointed, I think it boils down to this: Am I worried that I can't do it, and therefore will end up disappointing even more people, or am I worried I actually can do it?
The only thing I know right now is teaching.
Blah.
Not entirely sure why, except it seems to be something I do.
I know who I am, right? I know what I am. I know what I believe, I know where my talents are, and where my weaknesses lie.
Right?
I've come to realize that I have this chip on my shoulder about being underestimated. Its frustrating when I feel I'm around someone who wants to act as if I'm not as smart as they are, or not as educated or knowledgable as they are. But its also frustrating to be around people who are far more intelligent, educated, knowledgable than I am. The irony lies in that those who I will readily admit have quite a bit on me are the ones who never act as if I'm not good enough or whatever. But I can't tell if that's just me having a gut reaction to the other people, or if I just truly know some incredibly gracious smart people.
Heh.
I'm going stream-of-consciousness here, so don't sue me if all my thoughts don't fit together at the end.
I've been avoiding church all summer. I guess I could make the excuse that I didn't want to get up early on a Sunday morning, but I really hate to think I'm that lazy every week. Its important enough to me that if I wanted to be there, I'd be there. But for the last few months something hasn't felt "in place" about being there. I think I feel boxed in by people's expectations of me. My pastor keeps telling me she thinks I should go into "the ministry". Why does that scare me? I'm sure its partly due to where I grew up, that loose, evangelical protestant version of "the ministry", going around "saving people" and all. I am also uncomfortable with putting the way I live into a pigeonhole- no matter how liberal, no matter what form it takes, being a "minister" of any kind feels very limiting to me. There's so many people in the world who are actually alienated by the ministry rather than aided, and I'd hate to spend my life telling people that I only do things because I'm supposed to. But I also feel like I'd only be able to show and use a small fraction of myself.
I'm also convinced I wouldn't be as good at it as everyone thinks I would be.
That is only one example of an area of my life that I wish I could just figure out.
So even though this is rambly and disjointed, I think it boils down to this: Am I worried that I can't do it, and therefore will end up disappointing even more people, or am I worried I actually can do it?
The only thing I know right now is teaching.
Blah.
