(no subject)

[violachic]

A Dream Deferred



What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?



You know, a few weeks ago I made this post about my viola. When I made it, it didn't hold any significance beyond the moment in which it was made. But then polyfrog made a comment that asked "what is standing in the way of your dreams?".

And thinking about that question has been making me itch since then. I can't help it.


When I was eight years old, if you asked me what I wanted to be, I'd tell you "an olympic swimmer". I didn't really know what that entailed, but I'd started swim team that summer, and I was good. I was damned good. I won almost nothing but firsts, was often put in to swim in older categories, and was on the A team at conference meets.

But while I swam until middle school, it started to take a back seat to music, more and more. I had to quit in seventh grade, because I just didn't have the time.

I started violin when I was three. It was kind of a desperate measure on my mother's part, trying to find something that engaged me. I was a very quiet, withdrawn child, and she had a scare for a few months where she almost took me in to be tested for autism. She had always been determined that her children would be involved in music, and found a teacher that was the wife of someone my father worked with at the time. So we started, and after a year or two, I ended up in the local Suzuki program- which, for the uninitiated, is a slightly controversial program that specializes in starting very small children in playing musical instruments. I flourished. I loved it, and I advanced quickly. By the time I was eight, I had discovered the joy of the viola, and had switched. I spent two years at Suzuki summer programs, made first chair in youth symphony when I was ten, and by then we all assumed that's what I'd aspire to.

It wasn't to be, though, for whatever reason. I went to college as a viola performance major, and had a really bad experience, probably due to a variety of reasons, some which involved me, some which didn't. Its no use parsing those anymore, though. Maybe I wasn't cut out for it, maybe my bad experiences at school ruined me, or maybe I simply lacked the motivation. To this day, I will, however, deny adamantly that I lacked the talent.

I've more or less drifted through my twenties, but achieving a fair amount of success at being an adult. Whatever that means, exactly. I had a pretty successful teaching studio, despite the lack of degree, and free-lanced quite a bit. I discovered and cultivated other interests in life.

But I think that a lot of confusion on how to go on with my life stems from the fact that I concentrated so hard on one thing for so long. I trained as a violist from practically day one. I literally don't have active memories where I didn't play. It defined me, it still defines me. I mean, I'm not called violachic for nothing. There was no thought put into any other way of living, no backup plans, no contingency plans.

So where does that fit into my life now? Is there a future? Do I want there to be a future? Do I want to continue to be defined as violachic? Did I really love it the way I thought I loved it, or did I just do it because I -could-? And what now? Is there life after CPT? What does that look like? What can I make it look like? Is there Life After CPT while I'm still in CPT? What defines me, how do I make and let things define me?

Is there a dream left? What is it?





Anyway. Just one of the millions of thoughts running through my mind.