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Jan. 23rd, 2006 10:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
violachicSo I've never been the world's most organized person. I think I come across that way sometimes, but I work really hard to do that, and the rest I fake. Sometimes I fake it badly. Hence my current default user icon.
Even before I left to go overseas for two months, I was starting to feel kind of constantly behind life a step or six. Part of it was me being dumb, and part of it was just too much coming at me at once. Then I left, and tried to tie up loose ends, and be organized and stuff, but it didn't work. Then I was gone for two months. Then I came home, and went- pardon the cliche, but it really is quite accurate- out of the frying pan and into the fire. The bluest part of the flame kind of fire.
So I've been extra, extra disorganized and flaky for the last seven weeks. Like "didn't I have a head at some point?" kind of flaky. And it was hard to catch up, because there was too much at work, too much in my head, too much to do at home, too many people to see, too many committments to honor, etc, etc, etc. So I kind of stopped all of it except the very, very necessary. Like basically it was get up, shower, go to work, come home, eat, sleep- lather, rinse, repeat.
And that just pissed me off.
I felt very out of control. And I didn't know how to get back in control. Especially since I've never been the paradigm of being "in control".
But a couple weeks ago, I decided I'd simply had enough, and started taking care of the things I knew I could control.
I began by starting to spend time in civilization- that is to say, I began to recultivate my social life. Then, last weekend I did a huge clean-and-purge in my bedroom, which isn't finished, but its close, and a whole hell of a lot better to navigate than it was before. I also spent a couple days last week at work doing the same thing to my work space, my email inbox, and all that. Hunting out the dropped balls and putting them back where they're supposed to be.
The funniest thing is, as I regain control in one aspect of life, I feel much more capable of controling the other things. It feels really good. I don't feel 100% caught up by any means, but I at least feel normal.
Now, I'm also trying not to be too hard on myself about getting so far behind, so out of control. I have to remind myself that what we're dealing with at work was- and still is- an actual trauma, and that's going to take its toll on everybody, including me. Add that trauma on top of returning home from spending two months in a war zone, and that's a lot in my head and in my heart to unravel. And being a naturally introverted (yes, I know the world seems to think I'm outgoing and shit, but honest, I'm a true introvert), introspective person makes it hard to process stuff, because I don't allow a lot of it to escape to places that could be sounding boards.
When I was sick a few weeks ago, I remember recounting all my symptoms to my doctor. I also mentioned that I'm sure that my immune system took a dump because of all the stress I was under, and the fact that I wasn't sleeping very much. The doctor did that lean-back-and-regard-you-with-scrutiny thing, and asked if I thought I was depressed. I thought about it and said no, but then recounted exactly what was going on, and what had been going on. She kind of laughed sympathetically when I was done, and said she entirely understood why I was stressed, and wasn't sleeping and stuff like that. She agreed that I was dealing with and recovering from trauma, and that it would take some time. I promised to try to keep an eye on it, to make sure it wasn't something that took a deep hold.
So no, I'm not "depressed", not in that typical or stereotypical way. But sometimes you have to let that time pass, and meet yourself on the other side. I think I see myself.
So the next step is to slowly put priorities in line. There's a lot of huge decisions to make on which direction my life is going to go- not necessarily immediate decisions, but if I 'm going to have a life after CPT, I need to start lining things up now so I'm not caught off guard when my term ends going "... whaaa...?" I've seen that happen to people, and its not pretty. Or easy. I'm 29 (and a half!), and when my term ends I will be 31, and that's... wow, I just made myself feel old. At any rate, even though I want to live life on my own terms and not by societal norms, I need to put it in order to live. You can't live without guidelines, even if they're your own guidelines. Even mercenaries have a code. Or at least in good science fiction they do.
I guess I'm getting tired of flying by the seat of my pants, but I don't know how to do otherwise.
Hmmm.
I think I'm going to stop here, or I could write stream-of-consciousness all day.
Even before I left to go overseas for two months, I was starting to feel kind of constantly behind life a step or six. Part of it was me being dumb, and part of it was just too much coming at me at once. Then I left, and tried to tie up loose ends, and be organized and stuff, but it didn't work. Then I was gone for two months. Then I came home, and went- pardon the cliche, but it really is quite accurate- out of the frying pan and into the fire. The bluest part of the flame kind of fire.
So I've been extra, extra disorganized and flaky for the last seven weeks. Like "didn't I have a head at some point?" kind of flaky. And it was hard to catch up, because there was too much at work, too much in my head, too much to do at home, too many people to see, too many committments to honor, etc, etc, etc. So I kind of stopped all of it except the very, very necessary. Like basically it was get up, shower, go to work, come home, eat, sleep- lather, rinse, repeat.
And that just pissed me off.
I felt very out of control. And I didn't know how to get back in control. Especially since I've never been the paradigm of being "in control".
But a couple weeks ago, I decided I'd simply had enough, and started taking care of the things I knew I could control.
I began by starting to spend time in civilization- that is to say, I began to recultivate my social life. Then, last weekend I did a huge clean-and-purge in my bedroom, which isn't finished, but its close, and a whole hell of a lot better to navigate than it was before. I also spent a couple days last week at work doing the same thing to my work space, my email inbox, and all that. Hunting out the dropped balls and putting them back where they're supposed to be.
The funniest thing is, as I regain control in one aspect of life, I feel much more capable of controling the other things. It feels really good. I don't feel 100% caught up by any means, but I at least feel normal.
Now, I'm also trying not to be too hard on myself about getting so far behind, so out of control. I have to remind myself that what we're dealing with at work was- and still is- an actual trauma, and that's going to take its toll on everybody, including me. Add that trauma on top of returning home from spending two months in a war zone, and that's a lot in my head and in my heart to unravel. And being a naturally introverted (yes, I know the world seems to think I'm outgoing and shit, but honest, I'm a true introvert), introspective person makes it hard to process stuff, because I don't allow a lot of it to escape to places that could be sounding boards.
When I was sick a few weeks ago, I remember recounting all my symptoms to my doctor. I also mentioned that I'm sure that my immune system took a dump because of all the stress I was under, and the fact that I wasn't sleeping very much. The doctor did that lean-back-and-regard-you-with-scrutiny thing, and asked if I thought I was depressed. I thought about it and said no, but then recounted exactly what was going on, and what had been going on. She kind of laughed sympathetically when I was done, and said she entirely understood why I was stressed, and wasn't sleeping and stuff like that. She agreed that I was dealing with and recovering from trauma, and that it would take some time. I promised to try to keep an eye on it, to make sure it wasn't something that took a deep hold.
So no, I'm not "depressed", not in that typical or stereotypical way. But sometimes you have to let that time pass, and meet yourself on the other side. I think I see myself.
So the next step is to slowly put priorities in line. There's a lot of huge decisions to make on which direction my life is going to go- not necessarily immediate decisions, but if I 'm going to have a life after CPT, I need to start lining things up now so I'm not caught off guard when my term ends going "... whaaa...?" I've seen that happen to people, and its not pretty. Or easy. I'm 29 (and a half!), and when my term ends I will be 31, and that's... wow, I just made myself feel old. At any rate, even though I want to live life on my own terms and not by societal norms, I need to put it in order to live. You can't live without guidelines, even if they're your own guidelines. Even mercenaries have a code. Or at least in good science fiction they do.
I guess I'm getting tired of flying by the seat of my pants, but I don't know how to do otherwise.
Hmmm.
I think I'm going to stop here, or I could write stream-of-consciousness all day.
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no subject
Date: 2006-01-23 05:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-23 05:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-23 05:58 pm (UTC)But we have to remember that they dealt with the same stress, and feelings of things going out of control.
It is part of being what you want to be to take on too much and be overwhelmed. And it is how you are dealing with it, not giving up, moving forward, that makes you into what you are, more than the one or two individual things you might do.
You are doing great!
no subject
Date: 2006-01-23 09:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-23 10:13 pm (UTC):-D
no subject
Date: 2006-01-23 10:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-23 10:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-23 10:22 pm (UTC)and, of course, the fact that these abnormal experiences do inevitably make you question things anyway.... why is that...?
no subject
Date: 2006-01-23 10:27 pm (UTC)and, to answer your question: i suspect people question things more when they are, or have been, out of their comfort zone.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-23 10:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-23 10:49 pm (UTC)