(no subject)
Jan. 3rd, 2006 04:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
violachicWell, I'm starting to type this at 11:11 am (Happy Armistice Day... oh wait... never mind...), but I have no idea when it will actually get posted. I have random ramblings to put down, but I am, after all, at work, and must, after all... work. I'm also currently signed into Yahoo IM, so I'm sure I'll get my share of distractions there, as well.
I'm sure this will get long and wind-y, so I'll do you the favor of putting things behind cuts.
I really didn't get into a festive mood at all this year. I'm sure it doesn't take a psychologist to figure out why, but it simultaneously bugged me that I didn't get into the mood, and bugged me that it bugged me that I didn't get into the mood.
Christmas weekend ended up being a lot more low-key than I had expected it to be- my family (read: my parents (read: my mother)) were way more low maintenance than they tend to be for big holidays, and everyone gathered at my Dad's on Christmas Eve morning, and managed to play nice with each other. I actually got more loot than I thought I might, considering I didn't have any money for gifts myself, and finances were tight for everybody. And all the stuff I got was really spot-on things that I enjoy greatly. Not a single token gift in the bunch. Well, I guess what I got from my niece and my brother could be a token gift, but I really liked it anyway. I really technically overcommitted the rest of the weekend, but I'm glad I did everything I did, at least from a social aspect.
New Year's was a little easier because I was slightly more rested, although I was getting over not feeling well. It was a little weird being at a party where I didn't know more people than I did- and by a landslide. It’s been a really long time since I've been in social situations where I've been so out of the loop with people, and it was kind of hard to be in that mode when I was so wiped out. Despite all this, they were very nice people, and I had a nice time. As a way to celebrate the day off that I so heartily fought for yesterday, I had lunch with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
polyfrog, strawberry83, and the spouse of strawberry83 whose LJ name I don't know, and then went and cruised the mall for a few hours. It has been a very, very long time since I've been in a mall, and considering I really haven't finished landing from being overseas yet, the culture shock was weirder than I thought it might be.
But now I'm back at work, and trying to get caught up with email, and making task priority lists and all that jazz that you have to do when you're in administration, and not very naturally gifted to be in administration. Which segues very nicely right into my next random ramble.
As I mentioned, I'm back here at work (what is this, a radio show? “why yes skip, I’m here at work….”), trying to figure out what should be done, in what priority, and when. And how fast. And all that.
Obviously, it’s been insane here on a level of insanity I never knew could exist. And I know a lot of levels of insanity. We've been forced to face certain realities that, even though we knew they existed, nobody could ever actually full prepare to face. Now, I've long been a lefty (and I don't mean which hand I write with), and long been trying to educate myself on the workings of the real world, but when your most basic, most raw reality seems to come from the inner workings of a Tom Clancy or John Le Carre novel- well, my brain has been hurting so much lately, its becoming easier to see how some people manage a psychotic break. I'm starting to realize that to do this kind of work you can't become too philosophical about it or you'll go smack crazy.
All in all, I'm actually incredibly impressed with how everybody in CPT-land is handling this. Its uncharted territory, certainly, but along with the personal grief to deal with, we're constantly trying to make sure the organization isn't in danger of collapsing under us while we work. Yes, everybody is exhausted, strung out, whatever descriptors you can come up with, but it also points to me exactly how dedicated everybody is to standing by our values. Its kind of weird all of a sudden being launched into international headlines. I mean, you know you've hit the big time when you're insulted on national radio by Rush Limbaugh, right?
And I know some of you are going to ask, so I'll let you know right now that no, we haven't heard anything. We're in stasis. Complete and total, frustrating stasis. Its hard not to let it become status quo, which is part of what makes all this so emotionally draining. It would be easy to say "okay, we're in a holding pattern, lets just hang out and get our other work done till we hear something", but you can't. This has become an enormous jumping-off point, both organizationally, and individually for many people. I'm hearing from a lot of different directions that they feel the statements of support being voiced by our Middle Eastern partners is a huge leap for Christian-Muslim relationships. I don't know how true this is, but it would be fantastic to think this could spark dialogue. But when it comes right down to it, there's four amazing people missing, two of whom are my friends- and there are others who are far closer to them than I am- and we're grieving that.
Its not an un-complicated situation.
But in the meantime, we have decided to go ahead with our semi-annual training, and have eight highly competent people who are eager to continue the work. I think its giving us all a little burst of energy, although training months are always.... well, weird. Okay, okay, what isn't weird around here? But... you know what I mean.
Yeah. So for those of you who took my extended poll last week, you may have noticed it had the ring of soul-searching to it. And not just because I said "Yes, I'm soul-searching. So sue me".
Taking this job has been both the best thing I've ever done in my life- hands down, no question about it- and the absolute bane of my existence- and possibly the existence of others who might be close to me. I have never before, even when I was teaching, achieved this level of personal fulfillment in life. I'm doing something I really enjoy (okay, I really don't enjoy administration, but I really enjoy working for this group, and going overseas) at the same time I'm doing something I firmly believe is for the benefit of others. Not to mention I get to meet really cool people, and travel overseas. And take really kick-ass pictures.
But those close to me may have noticed *ahem* that this has taken a real toll on a whole lot of other aspects of my life. Like my social life, and my wallet life. Not to mention a few people who I loved- and still love very much- who don't speak to me anymore due, at least in large part, to my political affiliations.
Now, I have no idea what to do about the last item. There's nothing any of us can do when that happens. In my case, I'll just be sad that they're gone, and let them know that I'll always love them, and will continue to love them if they decide to start speaking to me again.
The first two, though... more complicated. Not only are there lots of old friends I don't see often- or, really, even communicate with very often- but there are constantly hordes and hordes of new, really cool, people that I desperately want to fit into my life. For instance, I finally made it to a party atpam and spot's place, after probably a year and a half of not being able to make it, due to work, or other commitments, or being out of the country. Which, as far as I'm concerned, is the best excuse of all for replying to an invitation with regrets. And I live about 3/4 of a mile away from sleepykins and histrogeek, and I never see them. Now, that's simply ridiculous. Hell, I live with subdermalglow and ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-syndicated.gif)
priestlygoth and hardly ever see them.
Something must be done. I don't know what, but something must be done. My lesson is to ponder on this, as a grasshopper, and report my findings to the sensei. Or some such crap like that. No insight yet, though.
The "wallet" part is less complicated, but somehow more frustrating. The deal is, I really do embrace this whole "simple living" thing. But everybody seems to have a different idea of what that means. For some people I know, it means shopping exclusively (except underwear) for clothing at thrift stores, and dumpster diving whenever possible. I have big problems with both of those ideas: I grew up wearing other people's clothing, due to our family having to buy stuff at garage sales or take in hand-me-downs, and I have an aversion to wearing other people's clothing; and I have never been able to get away from the "ew" factor on dumpster diving, especially food. I don't need a lot of money, and certainly I'm way lower maintenance than a lot of folks when it comes to money, because I don't do a whole lot of clothes/shoes/accessories shopping anyway, I'm not really into fancy jewelry, and I don't need things for the sake of things. But I'm feeling incredibly weighed down by the lack of fundage I get on my monthly stipend. I'm a shitty budgeter, and its even harder when you have virtually nothing to work with. I really can see the benefit of "living simply", and I'd like to hang onto that. But.... but... but...
*sigh*
Priorities.
I mean, really, what are priorities, anyway? Where do you file them away? How do you figure it out? Why can't priorities just be alphabetical order? Or reverse alphabetical order? Or at least genre order, like my CDs?
Anyway, this is just the first bit of a whole bunch of ruminating. I’d by lying if I said that recent events haven’t made me re-evaluate things. However, I keep coming to the same conclusions, just from different angles.
In the meantime, I’ve reached 4:15 p.m., and I’m wiped. I think I’m heading out as soon as I can.
See you on the flip side*.
*what was that cartoon, anyway?
I'm sure this will get long and wind-y, so I'll do you the favor of putting things behind cuts.
I really didn't get into a festive mood at all this year. I'm sure it doesn't take a psychologist to figure out why, but it simultaneously bugged me that I didn't get into the mood, and bugged me that it bugged me that I didn't get into the mood.
Christmas weekend ended up being a lot more low-key than I had expected it to be- my family (read: my parents (read: my mother)) were way more low maintenance than they tend to be for big holidays, and everyone gathered at my Dad's on Christmas Eve morning, and managed to play nice with each other. I actually got more loot than I thought I might, considering I didn't have any money for gifts myself, and finances were tight for everybody. And all the stuff I got was really spot-on things that I enjoy greatly. Not a single token gift in the bunch. Well, I guess what I got from my niece and my brother could be a token gift, but I really liked it anyway. I really technically overcommitted the rest of the weekend, but I'm glad I did everything I did, at least from a social aspect.
New Year's was a little easier because I was slightly more rested, although I was getting over not feeling well. It was a little weird being at a party where I didn't know more people than I did- and by a landslide. It’s been a really long time since I've been in social situations where I've been so out of the loop with people, and it was kind of hard to be in that mode when I was so wiped out. Despite all this, they were very nice people, and I had a nice time. As a way to celebrate the day off that I so heartily fought for yesterday, I had lunch with
polyfrog, strawberry83, and the spouse of strawberry83 whose LJ name I don't know, and then went and cruised the mall for a few hours. It has been a very, very long time since I've been in a mall, and considering I really haven't finished landing from being overseas yet, the culture shock was weirder than I thought it might be.But now I'm back at work, and trying to get caught up with email, and making task priority lists and all that jazz that you have to do when you're in administration, and not very naturally gifted to be in administration. Which segues very nicely right into my next random ramble.
As I mentioned, I'm back here at work (what is this, a radio show? “why yes skip, I’m here at work….”), trying to figure out what should be done, in what priority, and when. And how fast. And all that.
Obviously, it’s been insane here on a level of insanity I never knew could exist. And I know a lot of levels of insanity. We've been forced to face certain realities that, even though we knew they existed, nobody could ever actually full prepare to face. Now, I've long been a lefty (and I don't mean which hand I write with), and long been trying to educate myself on the workings of the real world, but when your most basic, most raw reality seems to come from the inner workings of a Tom Clancy or John Le Carre novel- well, my brain has been hurting so much lately, its becoming easier to see how some people manage a psychotic break. I'm starting to realize that to do this kind of work you can't become too philosophical about it or you'll go smack crazy.
All in all, I'm actually incredibly impressed with how everybody in CPT-land is handling this. Its uncharted territory, certainly, but along with the personal grief to deal with, we're constantly trying to make sure the organization isn't in danger of collapsing under us while we work. Yes, everybody is exhausted, strung out, whatever descriptors you can come up with, but it also points to me exactly how dedicated everybody is to standing by our values. Its kind of weird all of a sudden being launched into international headlines. I mean, you know you've hit the big time when you're insulted on national radio by Rush Limbaugh, right?
And I know some of you are going to ask, so I'll let you know right now that no, we haven't heard anything. We're in stasis. Complete and total, frustrating stasis. Its hard not to let it become status quo, which is part of what makes all this so emotionally draining. It would be easy to say "okay, we're in a holding pattern, lets just hang out and get our other work done till we hear something", but you can't. This has become an enormous jumping-off point, both organizationally, and individually for many people. I'm hearing from a lot of different directions that they feel the statements of support being voiced by our Middle Eastern partners is a huge leap for Christian-Muslim relationships. I don't know how true this is, but it would be fantastic to think this could spark dialogue. But when it comes right down to it, there's four amazing people missing, two of whom are my friends- and there are others who are far closer to them than I am- and we're grieving that.
Its not an un-complicated situation.
But in the meantime, we have decided to go ahead with our semi-annual training, and have eight highly competent people who are eager to continue the work. I think its giving us all a little burst of energy, although training months are always.... well, weird. Okay, okay, what isn't weird around here? But... you know what I mean.
Yeah. So for those of you who took my extended poll last week, you may have noticed it had the ring of soul-searching to it. And not just because I said "Yes, I'm soul-searching. So sue me".
Taking this job has been both the best thing I've ever done in my life- hands down, no question about it- and the absolute bane of my existence- and possibly the existence of others who might be close to me. I have never before, even when I was teaching, achieved this level of personal fulfillment in life. I'm doing something I really enjoy (okay, I really don't enjoy administration, but I really enjoy working for this group, and going overseas) at the same time I'm doing something I firmly believe is for the benefit of others. Not to mention I get to meet really cool people, and travel overseas. And take really kick-ass pictures.
But those close to me may have noticed *ahem* that this has taken a real toll on a whole lot of other aspects of my life. Like my social life, and my wallet life. Not to mention a few people who I loved- and still love very much- who don't speak to me anymore due, at least in large part, to my political affiliations.
Now, I have no idea what to do about the last item. There's nothing any of us can do when that happens. In my case, I'll just be sad that they're gone, and let them know that I'll always love them, and will continue to love them if they decide to start speaking to me again.
The first two, though... more complicated. Not only are there lots of old friends I don't see often- or, really, even communicate with very often- but there are constantly hordes and hordes of new, really cool, people that I desperately want to fit into my life. For instance, I finally made it to a party at
pam and spot's place, after probably a year and a half of not being able to make it, due to work, or other commitments, or being out of the country. Which, as far as I'm concerned, is the best excuse of all for replying to an invitation with regrets. And I live about 3/4 of a mile away from sleepykins and histrogeek, and I never see them. Now, that's simply ridiculous. Hell, I live with subdermalglow and priestlygoth and hardly ever see them.Something must be done. I don't know what, but something must be done. My lesson is to ponder on this, as a grasshopper, and report my findings to the sensei. Or some such crap like that. No insight yet, though.
The "wallet" part is less complicated, but somehow more frustrating. The deal is, I really do embrace this whole "simple living" thing. But everybody seems to have a different idea of what that means. For some people I know, it means shopping exclusively (except underwear) for clothing at thrift stores, and dumpster diving whenever possible. I have big problems with both of those ideas: I grew up wearing other people's clothing, due to our family having to buy stuff at garage sales or take in hand-me-downs, and I have an aversion to wearing other people's clothing; and I have never been able to get away from the "ew" factor on dumpster diving, especially food. I don't need a lot of money, and certainly I'm way lower maintenance than a lot of folks when it comes to money, because I don't do a whole lot of clothes/shoes/accessories shopping anyway, I'm not really into fancy jewelry, and I don't need things for the sake of things. But I'm feeling incredibly weighed down by the lack of fundage I get on my monthly stipend. I'm a shitty budgeter, and its even harder when you have virtually nothing to work with. I really can see the benefit of "living simply", and I'd like to hang onto that. But.... but... but...
*sigh*
Priorities.
I mean, really, what are priorities, anyway? Where do you file them away? How do you figure it out? Why can't priorities just be alphabetical order? Or reverse alphabetical order? Or at least genre order, like my CDs?
Anyway, this is just the first bit of a whole bunch of ruminating. I’d by lying if I said that recent events haven’t made me re-evaluate things. However, I keep coming to the same conclusions, just from different angles.
In the meantime, I’ve reached 4:15 p.m., and I’m wiped. I think I’m heading out as soon as I can.
See you on the flip side*.
*what was that cartoon, anyway?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-01-03 11:14 pm (UTC)missing you as always, but know that your never far from my thoughts.
Cheers,
Tanya
no subject
Date: 2006-01-04 02:29 am (UTC)I just didn't want that to happen here.
(Oh, my poor sense of humor coupled with cold medicine...)
no subject
Date: 2006-01-04 02:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-04 03:00 am (UTC)how about nary a comment on a lenghty posty and yet, I'm bored entertain me gets a kajillion comments.
Hope your feeling better M.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-04 04:11 am (UTC)One way to live simply is to not have too many clothes (weirly un-American, I know) and shop at outlet stores for the ones you do buy. The clearance racks are your friends--at Carson's, TJ Maxx, wherever.
In my entire life, I've bought exactly one pair of pants that fit from a thrift store, and that's because they were brand new and in a size and style that actually fit at the time. Dressing yourself from thrift is a myth unless your body comes in a comparatively "average" size--which mine does not.
Oh, and I'm jealous at such a high percentage of cool presents received AND getting to go to Pam & Spot's party.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-04 11:40 am (UTC)"... And there was a FIREFIGHT!"
no subject
Date: 2006-01-05 12:06 am (UTC)Hope you're well. I'm still trying to catch up...
no subject
Date: 2006-01-05 02:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-05 03:49 pm (UTC)