violachic

So I was thinking about life today. Its ok, I had a headache to begin with, so it didn't really bother me. The last couple of weeks I've been lagging more than usual, and its irritating. I guess I was trying to figure out why, and maybe even see if I could figure out what to do about it. Well, I didn't come up with any simple solutions, but I did get a snowball rolling in my brain. I'm not really sure where it will end up, but if you'd like, I'll tell you where it is right now.

I realized some time ago that I have mild control issues. Nothing that qualifies quite as a neurosis (I think), but definitely something that presents somewhat of a pattern. I don't like not being in control of myself. I won't try drugs because I don't know how out of control I'll get. I don't drink as much any more for the same reason (well, and other reasons....). I also noticed recently how much I ride the clutch when I'm driving. Even when I'm coasting down a hill in neutral, I'll keep my left foot hovering over the clutch, "just in case". So this got me to wondering if I am capable of running on any kind of faith or not. I don't mean just faith in God- or whatever higher power you'd like to choose- although that's definitely part of it. But I wonder how much of my own life I hinder by not being able to let go and let something or somebody else call all the shots. I've narrowed it down to three categories:

1)Faith in God, or other higher power, karma, fate, etc...: Actually, after deeper thought, I don't think I'm doing half bad in this category. While I don't think I let things go nearly as much as I should, "give it up to God", as some of my fundie peers might put it, I really actually fly by the seat of my pants quite a bit through life. I realized recently that the harder I try for something, or the more I want something, the less likely I am to get it. So I kind of chilled out and waited to see what would happen. So far, so good. Not that anything is being handed to me on a silver platter, but I'm going with the "flow" better than I thought I would. I think I'm doing okay in the "fate" department, and I'm hoping I do okay in the "karma" department. I actually think that the whole fate and karma thing are pretty intertwined with the whole faith in a higher power thing.

2)Faith in other people: I like to think that I have a fair amount of faith in other people. On a number of different levels. I try to take people at face value, and even though I know I'm not always successful, I try to take them for the good, and not the bad. I do subscribe to the philosophy that people are basically inherently good. I try hard to communicate with people, and I hope that I have the faith in them that they will understand what I am trying to say, and vice versa. I have faith in the people I'm around that they can be the best they can be, especially the kids I work with, but I'm unsure that I can ever communicate that fully. But I guess its all you guys that will really be able to tell me whether or not I'm doing a good job of having faith in you. And if I'm not, call me on it. Tell me what I need to do in order to be better.

3)Faith in myself: Ok, this part sucks. I know I don't have much faith in myself. Maybe that's where the clutch pedal thing comes in. Its not that I doubt that the power of being in neutral will carry me to the bottom of the hill, or the power of my brake pedal should I need to make a sudden stop. Its that I, in the event of an emergency, won't be able to move fast enough to prevent some horrible thing from happening. I know that my faith in my musical ability sucks. How well I perform is in direct proportion to how I feel about myself at that moment. I second guess myself too much, where if I just let go and played, it would just come out the way it was meant to. I have also realized that I'm constantly looking for someone to say "hey, that was great", "you are doing an awesome job at that", or "that was a wonderful idea". Its as if I'm looking for so much validation from someone else that I forget to validate myself. Maybe that's egotistical, self-validaton. But maybe its healthy. I don't know.

What do you think?