(no subject)

So it was five years ago today that I made my very first LiveJournal post. I feel that this was a significant milestone, and don't want the day to pass unrecognized.

I initially joined LJ as a way to keep in touch with friends, many of whom had been badgering me for some time to hop on the bandwagon. For many months my entire friends list was indeed just that- friends, real life, real-time friends. The very first person on my f-list that I didn't already know in real life was lulu_plum, then operating under the unbelieveably charming user name of "madvinylpixie". To this day, she and I are still "mutual friends" on LJ, although we have been trying these five years to actually meet in person. I hope very much that one day we actually will succeed! Since then, my "friends list" has grown to over 200*- two hundred!!!- people, some of whom are old friends, some I've since met and become very close to, and the rest I'd be excited to get together with any time y'all are through Chicago.

Here I'd like to insert a moment of silence for the rifts that have occurred in my initial group of friends that causes some of us to not be together anymore. Its sad, and although I don't know how we would make it so, I wish every day it had been different. I suppose its an inevitable part of growing up, but it still sucks.


So lets take a quick thumnail look back at what has transpired over the last five years.


( year one: 2002-2003 )

( year two: 2003-2004 )

( year three: 2004-2005 )

( year four: 2005-2006 )

( year five: 2006-2007 )

Well, okay, that brings us up to date.

Let me add a few things to this. I know its a ginormous post already, but I'm on a bit of a roll. Better to add to it than risk not wanting to come back and make another post later.


So this is where I am now- I'm doing part-time childcare for sleepykins and histrogeek (just in case you skipped the litany above). We thought we'd see how it goes for a few months, see how heavy he gets before I can't lift him anymore. The original thought was to go to about six months, which is when babies generally start hitting about 20 lbs. He's just about to turn five months, and so far I'm not feeling as if I'm going to have to throw in the towel just yet. We've all agreed- even William- that I'm probably getting gradually stronger as I lift him. The work arrangement is perfect, because 1) its about a ten minute bus ride from home (on the days the 22 bus actually arrives.... ), 2) i have some free time to myself when the baby is sleeping that I can use to do other things, like read, etc. 3) its only 25 hrs a week, which is about all I can take without getting superbly wiped out. I have some social life, too, which mainly revolves around fille_de_livre and ahn1010's house, which is also good, because its about 3/4 of a mile from the house, in the other direction.

There's a lot about life that is a whole hell of a lot better than it has been. This is true. But I still get really depressed and down; everything that identified me has been gone, and I can't seem to reconstruct any of it. Much of the reason why I stopped posting on LJ is because I got tired of posting the same old shit- "I'm in pain, I'm depressed, I'm broke, etc, etc...". There's no good reason to keep rehashing all that. So my post from last week is accurate. I'm sad a great deal of the time. Although maybe "sad" is becoming more accurate than "depressed", I don't know. More good things happen, but I'm still waiting to figure out how to make the things happen that give me a sense of self again. At least I'm wise enough to know that nobody can make it happen for me, but fuck if I know how to do it on my own.

So its interesting that here is this five-year milestone. To tell the truth, I have really enjoyed going through my journal, making the list and connecting the links, because it gives things a bit of a sense of orderliness. A progression, and from a progression, a little bit of reason. It also proves to me that I have not led a boring life, nor have I failed to accomplish anything. Maybe this will be of help as I try to rebuild my world.

I can't go charging into anything, though. I've learned over the years how unhelpful it is later on down the line to make a decision to do or be something, get really excited about it, but not know how to execute it; the crash when you hit your first obstacles is harder the higher you get your hopes up. So for now I'm content enough with sitting back and seeing how things evolve. I don't really have much choice, because I expend all my energy most days just getting up and doing what I have to do, and going to bed again. And I'm okay with that, because I have to be.

And communication- yeah, not so good at that these days. I've never been a good communicator, by "communication" I mean telephone and email, et al, not necesarily "communicating my feelings kind of thing. But I'm less and less inclined to communicate with people because I feel like I've already said it all, a million times over. "I'm in pain, I'm depressed, I'm broke". And why do you need to keep hearing it? I'm alive. I'm not planning on changing that. I know that is irrational, but its how I feel. I feel boring at best, and at worst a burden. Although I suppose part of is "communicating my feelings", too, because its too hard to have to delve past the Big Three and into real feelings. I'm too tired to go there. I'm not trying to give excuses, but I am trying to give you reasons. I'm going to try to be better about that, one by one. ironheadjane, you're first on my list, I do swear it.

But anyway, I think this is enough of a post for now. I also swear it was still July 3rd when I started this post! But close enough, really. I hope it was as illuminating to you as it was to me.

I love you guys, I really, really do.



*ETA 7/12/07: pruned f-list recently, may prune more, as it is becoming truly overwhelming....